Follow Good Vibes

You'll never get that time back. They said to me after I decided to take a year for myself. I just couldn't bring myself to jump into my career world directly following grad school. I was tired, weary, and unsure of myself. For so long I had been surviving. Constantly meeting that status quo. No more. No less. Just enough. I wanted more for myself. I wanted to offer more to my future career. So I quit. I quit it all. I left the state with my dog, my partner, and only what we could fit in our Pontiac Vibe. I had never been a quitter before. My follow-through and determination had always been exceptional. But I gave it up for a year with my sister, my family, my partner, and myself. Some people got it. They understood. You can only hustle for so long. But others kept telling me I would never get that year back. And they were right. I'll never get back the year I spent most evenings drinking wine and cooking meals with my sister. I'll never g

  I jump into the water on an early December afternoon. Sure, it's California, but the floating thermometer reads 49 degrees. It's too cold for a leisure swim. So instead, I decide to tread water. The first few minutes are the worst. My limbs begin to tingle and burn as they do when too close to a fire. My body comes alive. I remember how used to pain I am. I remember part of me loves it. Part of me lives for it. But the longer I tread the less pain I begin to feel. Numbness takes over, Which I would say is second only to discomfort. I begin to feel completely neutral. A body floating in water. No limbs. No skin. No head. Just breath. In then out. In then out. And somewhere in the breath awareness breaks through. I am reminded I love my body. I begin to remind myself I do not need pain or numbness to survive. As I leave the water I ask myself, "Are you afraid of feeling good?" The answer is a complicated one. It is a sentence still being w