The Fear of Goodness

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I jump into the water on an early December afternoon.
Sure, it's California, but the floating thermometer reads 49 degrees.
It's too cold for a leisure swim.
So instead, I decide to tread water.
The first few minutes are the worst.
My limbs begin to tingle and burn as they do when too close to a fire.
My body comes alive.
I remember how used to pain I am.
I remember part of me loves it.
Part of me lives for it.
But the longer I tread the less pain I begin to feel.
Numbness takes over,
Which I would say is second only to discomfort.
I begin to feel completely neutral.
A body floating in water.
No limbs.
No skin.
No head.
Just breath.
In then out.
In then out.
And somewhere in the breath awareness breaks through.
I am reminded I love my body.
I begin to remind myself I do not need pain or numbness to survive.
As I leave the water I ask myself,
"Are you afraid of feeling good?"
The answer is a complicated one.
It is a sentence still being written.
A phrase still being formed.
A reality still being created.

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