My Relationship to Fear

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Fear

I grew up with a strange relationship to fear.
It constantly felt near to me.
Every new experience was wrought with an unnerving uncertainty.
But I knew I would sink into self-pity and complacency if I didn't engage with the unknown.
So I aggressively attacked fear.
I armored up and fought my way through the distressing moments.
I proved myself over and over again.
I became obsessed with highlighting my bravery.
I let fear know it would never win.
And over time a form of masochism set in.
I began to thrive off of the pain.
I needed the difficulties.
I had to have something to attack.

The moments when fear was absent began to feel like the real terror.
The calm was my personal storm.
Safety was now something to avoid.
I was uneasy at the thought of anything coming too easy.

So I've had to begin to reassess my relationship to fear.
The work is now finding out which battles are mine to fight,
And which are mine to sit out.
Not every mountain needs climbing
Not every fear needs to be addressed.
I'm learning it is okay to be at ease.
It is okay to feel at peace.
And it is okay to have moments where I am not in pain.

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